I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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