nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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