Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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