Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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