Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
