can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
