I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
