I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
