I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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