things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
