my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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