My Higher Power is John Stamos
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
