I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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