Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
