I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
When did angry sex become our thing?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
