Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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