i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
