I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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