I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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