so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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