she woke up with a sticky ear
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
