i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
