i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
