Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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