I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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