i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
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I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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