The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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