i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
