The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
