I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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