I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
