My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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