My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
