The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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