He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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