Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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