Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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