went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
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She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
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he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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