I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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