I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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