No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
The police scanner is talking about you again....
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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