the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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