So drunk its hurt
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
