Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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