Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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