WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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