i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
