I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
