Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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