Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
