That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
