Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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