so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
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There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
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She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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