I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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