I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she smelled like a LAN party
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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