They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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