I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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