I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
