I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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